My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
