wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
