we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
