i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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