It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
