Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
