I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
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sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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