Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
