"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
