Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
