i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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