ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
