You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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