Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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