who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
