She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The adults are the big ones right?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
