I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
