Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
