I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
