so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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