she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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