...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
