3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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