Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
