who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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