just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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