where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
