i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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