you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
