That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
