Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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