how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She bit a glass in half.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
