it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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