God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
