I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
