So drunk, too bad you don't want this
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
her vagine was all disorganized.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
