I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
