she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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