You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
