The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
