You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
