the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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