if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
