So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
