Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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