Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
