I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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