i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
