I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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