Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
