I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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