He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
