I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
