i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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