I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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