I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
