I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Your penis caused this!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
